The SCR Story

or

That Generic MST3K's Excuse for a plot

As I'm writing this, I've just finished a Number 2 Super-sized Value Meal from McDonald's, the loving home of crystalized grease. You know, McD's has always been my favorite place to eat, and not just because of the exquisite dining material. It seems everyone's a critic--or maybe I should say heckler--these days, and the everlasting fad applies to restaurants as well as movies. Everybody hates McDonald's. They all say the food is too greasy, or their triple cheeseburgers are just one patty sliced into three portions, or even that their french fries aren't European in the slightest. Buy you know what? They always come back. No matter how much they say they despise the place and everything it stands for, they always return for more. That's the kind of bond I hope to establish with SCR fans. Now then, in the interest of at least lightly broaching the subject which the title pertains to, I will proceed to dictate what passes for a reason to watch crappy movies in Scakorr, better known (if known at all) as Subterranean Cinema Realm. Well, at first we wanted to have two truly evil mad scientists in the underground lair who would jettison a mild-mannered American into space aboard a ship and force him to participate in the viewing of cinematic feces, but we soon realized that there is a law against plagiarism. So we were forced to delve deeper into the realms of genericness (Spell-Right can go screw itself as far as I'm concerned), until my minimally creative mind defecated out the current plot for SCR. Supposedly, far in the future, Evil Bad Guy Tim (to be played by Will Basanta, no less) somehow gains power and takes over the world (as you can see, I didn't put much thought into the details). The Overworld, Terranea, is quasi-peaceful under the Evil Tim's harsh rule, yet by no means free. So a group of rebels decide to dig deep into the crust of the Earth and start a subterranean society which they would call Scakorr (I know not if Dicky Barrett was among them). Here, once established, they lived peacefully for years upon years, away from the tyranny of Terranea. Then, one fateful day, Tim sent a horde of goons into the depths of the peaceful colonies, kidnapping all of our beloved females in an attempt not only to halt the procreation of SCR, but to lure the males willingly up so that they wouldn't have to live their lives monkishly. At this point it's undoubtedly over for Scakorr . . . or so you'd think. You see, a small group of humans remain underground, most out of severe loyalty to SCR, some out of stark hate for the Evil Tim. SCR's manic depressive president, a broken man who resides solely within the bounds of his office space (possible Louis Strack), stays behind out of love for his nation. Evan Hale (guess), military commander of SCR's former army, stays because of his burning hate for sell-outs. Kilgore Catfish (Kyle Buchman/Wastebasket Pac-Man) is a malfunctional army model Heckler 3000, a POW torture device. Enjoys cats, probably too much. Air N. (Air'n Monahan; creative, aren't we?) is a short cobbler. Allegedly Evan's friend because he murdered and in-law. Stayed for reasons similar to Evan's. Last, but not least (counting Evan), is Willy the Miner (Billy Thomas). Willy is the last surviving Miner of Scakorr. The Miners were a group responsible for scouting out new lands for fellow cave dwellers (Miles O'Keefe was mandatorily executed, of course). One day, though, Willy was sick when the other Miners found horrible death at the hands of an underground methane deposit. Willy wanted to ascend to Tim's Overworld, but the others couldn't let him, because he, as a Miner, would be able to instruct Tim on how to reach SCR, and therefore shut us down for good (this is a moot point, considering Tim already sent a raiding party into SCR to raid our females, as previously mentioned, proving that he MUST know where it is; but you just wait and see if we acknowledge that!!!). So Willy is chained up and held hostage. So, you ask, what does this have to do with two disturbingly white guys and a bitchy robot watching the brown end of the movie industry? A lot, dammit. The scene is set, our indifferently addressed heroes are left underground with nothing to do. Where do they turn? To Scakorr's impressive collection of classic movies, of course! (They don't call it SCR for nothin'!) Alas, unbeknownst to the three protagonists at first, Evil Tim's horde has confiscated all the good movies of SCR, leaving only a questionable selection of catastrophic craprolls. In an attempt to entertain themselves without accidentally being subjected to hellish movies, the trio makes and effort to try a slew of different activities to occupy their time, from board games to bathroom installation (hence the host segments). Inevitably, each attempt fails miserably, leaving them to try to find a presentable flick (They won't succeed). What lied ahead for our boredom-slain bachelors? It's almost a sure thing that Willy will be released from captivity to be a field spy for the remaining inhabitants of Scakorr (my 17th pair of parenthesis, can you believe it?!?!?), but after that, who knows? I've had inklings of Lost in Space parodies, as well as a slew of episodes later on involving David Hutchings'dark god XXUTAK, as well as a plethora of other nutty characters we plan to add to the mix. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself (well, of course I am), but whatever happens will be worth it, and what will happen looks to be much more random, due to our new Segment Writing Scheme. But don't let all these plans and complicated plot-lines and interesting characters and run-on sentences fool you; at the base of it all, we're just a bunch of wannabe cynicists united against posers, with nothing better to do than to watch bad films; sounds familiar, doesn't it??

To whomever the hell it may concern,

Evan L. Hale